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Monday, August 11, 2014

12 Aug 2014: Confession of a Paranoid Parakeet

Currently feeling: Unsure...? I'm feeling a bit unwell, probably a side effect of the post-event syndrome. The topic I'm going to be blogging about here is going to be the reason why I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps, as according to my recent FB statuses.

Song playlist:
|| Before My Body is Dry - Hiroyuki Sawano ft. Mika Kobayashi
|| UZA - AKB48
|| Till I Die - CASG



As you guys know, I've recently attended AniManGaki 2014 over the weekend. I certainly had loads of fun and I would relive every single moment again if given the chance! Posts on the event report will be updated once I get my photos from other people, so keep an eye out~ :)

Back to topic, referring to some of my latest statuses on FB, I have this one thing bothering me lately.  Before I begin my post, I would like to make a statement in which I believe is true in a sense that almost all the friends I've come across with that is a Leo: we Leos become very, very restless and sometimes depressed when we realize that the people that we really care about starts to drift away from us, abandon us or just walk away from us.

I believe it's true coz a lot of my friends who are Leos are like that.

So, on to my main content of the post.

It just happened recently, over the weekend and the past few months, actually. I got to know this person since last year. This person was still a newbie in cosplay back then, and since I have been in the cosplay scene for quite some time, I thought I would like to give this person a little insight of the cosplay community in more depth.
I quickly became good friends with this person because of our similar interests and I was able to share some of the things that I know about the local ACG community. Soon enough, I was also able to share my love for several of the people that I really respect in the ACG community, which includes everyone around the world (cosplayers, artists, mangaka, musicians and what not).

So, there came one time when this person realized that a friend was becoming more popular among the seniors in the local community and also some of the international ones. This person expressed concerned to me, and was kind of jealous that the friend was getting much attention.
I knew a couple of people in the local community who are considered as big names, locally and internationally, and I was the one who introduced that person to all these people that I know, in hopes that this person will be able to achieve the recognition deserved (because this person has amazing potential to become a very good cosplayer). I even convinced this person to ask one of the big name photographer in the local scene to do a photoshoot.

Fast-forwarding to after the photoshoot was done, this person managed to be noticed by a lot of senpais. This person expressed joy towards me, and I was really glad for this person as well. Then, event day arrived. As in, AniManGaki.

We hung out as usual, and I kept derping around on my own since I wasn't cosplaying (as some of you know, since Stayxxxx was the special guest of AMG, I tried my best to meet her and all~). Met a lot of my friends and all, selfies and all. Said person grabbed a lot of attention since this person is cosplaying the character from one of the major on-going series right now. So busy with photoshoot and also managed to meet with a lot of the senpais. 

At first it didn't occur to me about how much it would actually affect me, but ever since that person  posted that appreciation post, I realize how that person tagged me with a very....veryy......I don't know, maybe it's just me, but the message that this person typed to accompany with my name just made me feel...like I wasn't important. As if, my contribution wasn't worth while at all. Moreover, it seemed very much negative to me, as if I was some weirdo who didn't belong to the group of friends this person has but this person tagged me anyway to not make me feel left out. Thanks for the express of concern, but it didn't make me feel any better.

That person gained all the attention from the senpais and the big name photographers, and mostly it's because I was the stepping stone. (a friend of mine who knew my problem personally agreed with the part of me being the stepping stone)
I started from the bottom, scraps and nothing, and built my way up through my communication skills and confidence. I may not be as popular as this person, but I'm liking where I'm standing now. I constantly help people like this person because I didn't want them to get carried away by crazy thoughts. 

I'm not sure if I'm feeling jealous, or depressed, or sad, or angry, or disappointed. I am really not sure what kind of emotion is suitable to express my current feel. Maybe all? Maybe none that are suitable? I really don't know.
I only hope it's my bad habit of thinking too much acting up. It'd better be, or else I'm really really looking for trouble with my own self right now.

What I really hope for, though, is at least a "thank you", a hug or really just any form of appreciation so that I know my contribution is worth while and I can finally move on and assume everything is just my mind acting up.

Alright, off to huggle my Pusheen and go to sleep earlier before I get this emotional unstability and I will randomly cry every now and then until I get tired. 

I rarely express feelings like this, and I only do when I'm really at my limit.

Sorry for all these pointless ranting ;w;
Currently still waiting for photos to be posted, so once I get everything compiled, I will update on my experience during AniManGaki, alright?

Love you guys so much~ :3



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